The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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