my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
