The maid of honor just puked.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
