Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
