hotel room ftw
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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