Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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