I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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