I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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