TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Your penis caused this!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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