He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
