So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
