yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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