he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
