She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
