ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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