A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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