quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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