Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
