Apparently you make a good broom.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize