Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
