went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Randomize
