Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
