Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
