Even the bartender felt bad for me
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
