This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
