Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
