he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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