I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
