Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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