my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
