Taylor Swift is so right about you.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
