I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
