I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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