1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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