Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
