I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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