I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
