Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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