I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Is Oprah even human
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
PANTIES FOUND
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