So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize