why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
