my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
