The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
