I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
