I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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