Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
