I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
