The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
