i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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