That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
