My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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