Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
