did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize