I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
