So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
