I should be sponsored by Trojan
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
