You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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