I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
