i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
