I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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