Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
