Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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