If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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