just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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