He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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