You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
